Jesus Don't Want Me For a Sunbeam

And so the story goes...
I have found Christ...I was driving down the highway through Illinois as rain trampled my car, listening to someone singing about perpetuated fear, peeling my eyes to stay awake and then...as Illinois became every farm in Indiana everything stopped. The rain paused and the words blurred and my vision was sharp. Raindrops on my windshield slid together and formed a sentence...when I was 8 or so I used to pretend these drops were little pac mans eating pellets...now those same raindrops form sentences that reveal my black hole fate. The water drops moved like tiny bits of mercury on the counter of a science class and they spelled out a simple sentence. "I am the devil and you are coming with me." After getting past the amazment of what I was witnessing I felt overcome with a panic that only a sentence from satan written in water on the windshield of your speeding car could produce. The sky's clouds parted and I could only think that this was a sign...thunder vacuumed and lightning put to rest...this must mean something...it must mean that my time had come. At this moment, a moment of my finest distress, I thought it was a good time to start looking for God, or Jesus or someone in a beard or a dress or in an androgynous pair of slacks...to my amazement I did not have to look very far...finding God was not as difficult as I had anticipated. I mean I always heard about people finding Jesus...You hear about it every day. It is usually after they get caught cheating on their wife or letting their thousand dollar a day cocaine addiction ruin their relationship with their sons and daughters or getting caught in a restroom stall with another man, but I guess I always assumed that they had been looking all along...that the fact that their back was against the wall was just a coincident. I mean I had words spelled on my windshield and then the clouds parted...I was in the worst kind of trouble and I prepared myself for a long, long search.
So imagine my suprise to find Jesus two minutes after I decided to look. He/She/It was lying peacefully under a tree eating what appeared to be a bagel with cream cheese enjoying what was turning out to be a beautiful sort of day. He looked content, but thoughtful. I was excited and I yelled..."I have found Christ!!!"
and all he/she/it said was "But I wasnt lost."